Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Sometimes I just don't get it....

1) If you are bench pressing, and you can fit a Nathan's foot long VERTICALLY between you the bar and your chest: a) It is not a bench press and b) It won't do a damn thing for your chest. Same goes for a pushup and the floor.

2) If you do deadlift, and it is anything other than a barbell lifted from the floor, you need some terms to qualify what it is. I used a trap bar, so those are called "Trap Bar Deadlifts". If you use a kettlebell, it is a Kettlebell Deadlift. If you pull from pins in a squat rack, it is called a Rack Pull. Stiff legged deadlifts and Dimel Deadlifts are not really deadlifts at all, since you are not lifting from a dead stop, but those two lifts have been referred to so often as not to be misleading.

If you are not deadlifting from the floor, it is something else. You are lying if you don't clarify.

3) I got a one-week trial membership to a local gym in town. I honestly think that they have 50 cardio machines to every (i.e., both) squat rack. There was a trainer working with a female, and for a little while I was actually impressed because he got her to an above BW squat that was actually less that 1 foot from parallel. The bad part was that he left the 25lb plates on the bar and he put 4 10lb plates on the floor. Congrats to your client for doing a one plate above parallel squat. That doesn't make her the Queen of Hyde Park, put your fuckin' weights away.

4) Hey, if you are taking growth hormone, we can tell. And when you look at us to see if we are looking at you, we are. And we are wondering, what kind of douchebag doctor runs a hormone mill.

5) If I ask you how many sets you have left on the leg press and you say "two", don't check your Iphone of Blackberry between steps.

6) Making your client do a squat or a lunge between reps on exercise equipment doesn't fool anyone into thinking that you know what you are doing. It just shows that you have to use smoke and mirrors to hide then fact that:
* You can't lift anything heavy, and ipso facto
* You can't teach anyone to do the same.

7) If you are female, don't wear shorts, and your workout pants are "reinforced", you:
* Are not fooling anyone, and
* You look ridiculous

8) I was in the Gym for 75 minutes and I saw the:
* Jillian Michael's Clean and Press, and
* Ryan Shanahan "Squat and Front Raise" swing

9) I saw a guy wearing Parachute Pants and a tank top. Took me back to 1994. The only justification for him wearing those pants is that he got a lot of action back then. I think he just cut his mullet too. He "looked" like he was in good shape, but got winded stretching.

10) Just make it an even 10.



Jennifer said...

You crack me up. Yet, they are all valid observations.

Brian said...

What are you doing leg presses? Get to the squat rack!

Joel said...

I don't which is worse Jillian or Ryan Shannon's KettleWorx junk.

Hey let's all do the windmill & call it the disco light.....


Joel said...

I don't know which is worse, Jillian's stuff or Ryan Shannon's Kettleworx junk.

Hey everyone let's do the windmill and call it the disco light. Oh yeah let's do it with 5lbs too.

Nice post Faizal.

Faizal S. Enu said...

Brian, if you think I don't squat you don't know me very well. Complete Workout:

* High Box Squats (2" above parallel): 45,135,185,225,245,265,285 x 1 x 2; 305 x 8 x 2
Leg Press: 270,450,540,630,720,810 x 1 x 10
* KB Front Squats: 2 24kg x 5 x 5
* Trap Bar Deadlift: 180,270,320,340 x 1 x 3
* Dragon Lunges: 24kg x 3 x 10

Faizal S. Enu said...

Jillian has a much worse impact. Harper has the shittiest technique.